The Book of Questions: Parents, Urine and Torture.

It's time again to delve into Gregory Stock, PH.D's borderline-inappropriate collection, The Book of Questions. Today we take the Whitman's Sampler approach:

Question 139. Would you rather spend a month on vacation with your parents or put in overtime at your current job for four weeks without extra compensation?  

Wow. Do people really hate their parents this much? Call me naive but I think my parents are great. I wish I had the money to take them on vacation. If I could I would fly us to Italy for a month and I would eat cannoli with my mom and go to a Parmesan factory with my Dad and we would drink wine and laugh and they would fall asleep by 9pm and I would have feverish late night rendezvous (is there an Italian phrase for that?) with a steamy motorcycle-riding local named Nico who has magic stubble that doesn't slice your face when you kiss him. Seriously, even if you aren't tight with your parents, vacations naturally allow for doing your own thing so you wouldn't have to spend time with them if you just organized your schedule well. And isn't anything better than working overtime without getting paid?? I don't know about you but I'm salaried and I clock out at 5pm on the nose. Anything more than that and the Resentment Calculator kicks in. "It's 5:22! That's $12.87 down the drain if I left RIGHT NOW" I’m sorry, even if you can't stand your parents, this question boils down to Vacation vs. Work and vacation must win. 

Question 61. Can you urinate in front of another person?  

First of all, um, yeah, duh, I'm a girl and we are biologically engineered to gather in restrooms and speculate about the intentions of attractive men while taking turns peeing. Also, football and concerts and camping are pretty much my favorite things, so double-duh. However, I don't think this is the answer you had in mind, Dr. Gregory. I think you are creepy and weird and although I am perfectly comfortable peeing in front of another person, you asking me if I'm comfortable makes me uncomfortable. Now I feel gross and there is an imaginary-yet-overwhelming urine smell in my nose.  

Question 54. What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering? 

Easy!

 

Dating in Los Angeles. 

You want answers about Benghazi? Find the one girl in the group who is single and in her thirties. Plant her on a first date in Venice at a candle-lit corner table made of reclaimed wood. Pair her with a smart, creative, attractive professional who makes her laugh and smiles dreamily at her and simultaneously displays emotional maturity and boyish charm by confessing that he really likes her. Have them excitedly discuss all the possibilities for their second date: Restaurants they want to try, shows they want to see, meals they want to cook, hikes they want to take. Finally, have them part ways, have him seal this enchanting evening with an adorable goodnight text and BOOM. He will mysteriously never contact her again and within a week she will have clawed herself raw trying to make sense of it and will divulge anything you want to know if you can please just explain the enigma that is The Awesome LA Guy Who Is Obviously Into Me But Then Disappears. Done! I would like a consulting position with the State Department, thank you. Also, I would like a creative, professional thirty-something year-old man in this godforsaken town to date me for the love of all that is good and holy I'm in the prime of my life isthattoomuchtoask.  

Now I need a cocktail. Well played, Dr. Gregory. Well played.