Me, Me, It's All About ME!

Last night I did a writing exercise to discover my authentic voice and discovered that my authentic voice is a pretentious asshole.

The goal was to articulate the things/ experiences/ people that I gravitate toward in order to create an overall picture of who I am as a person. The result was a list that could make Stuff White People Like turn pale and in the light of day I’m completely ashamed. And how does my authentic voice handle personal shame? With ridicule, of course! Below are some highlights from the exercise, followed by my reactions.

Instructions: Think about things and experiences in your life* that are and are not “you”. Be specific. (*The exercise gave a list of prompts: Types of people, academic subjects, music, vacations, places to live, etc.)

My Original Answer for “Clothing”

Rompers, maxi dresses, jeans and tank tops, very little jewelry. Anything comfortable and unfussy yet feminine. I like to wear things that I can be silly in, move easily in, get my hands dirty in – nothing too precious. No bandage dresses!

My Day-After Response

How nice that you get to wear things you can be silly in while the rest of the world goes to work in a suit. By the way, they like it. Because they’re successful. You know what people who wear “unfussy things” do? They rent apartments in their late thirties. Also, the reason you wear very little jewelry is because YOU DON’T OWN ANY.

My Original Answer for “Types of Work”

Peace Corps, teaching, writing. Anything cerebral, artistic, socially conscious. I like work that encourages reflection and allows me to connect in a meaningful way with others, which I value above all else. No work that doesn’t allow creative thought or freedom of expression.

My Day-After Response

Allow me to freely express myself: Remember when you recently hit your head and had to pay out of pocket to go to the emergency room for a CAT Scan and you consequently suffered eight weeks of stress dreams while you waited for the hospital bills to arrive? Right. So imagine what would happen if you tripped in six-inch heels and could no longer meaningfully connect with a ligament in your knee. You know what you should value above all else? Your health. GET A REAL JOB.

My Original Answer for “Leisure Activities”

Road trips, spa time, hiking, reading, cooking, camping, live music, drinking wine with loved ones. Any activity that allows me to clear my mind, indulge, exercise my curiosity, laugh.

My Day-After Response

Oh shut up. You know you’re watching Netflix right now.

My Original Answer for “Vacations”

Europe, Greece, Costa Rica, Thailand, South Africa. Beaches, mountains, eco-tourism. Any place that would lend itself to exploration and fish-out-of-water experiences. No cruises, pre-packaged tours or all-inclusive resorts that take the spontaneity out of travel.

My Day-After Response

That’s funny; I could swear that the last major vacation you took was to an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic. Uh huh. And you loved it. You even bought a piece of jewelry at the fake bazaar they staged on the resort grounds and you still wear it to this day because it reminds you of the LOVELY TIME YOU HAD. But by all means, be spontaneous and go run off to Thailand! Oh, that’s right – you can’t. Because your passport has been expired for five years. Because you can’t afford international travel. Guess your fish-out-of-water experiences will remain limited to trips downtown, like the time you paid for soy jerky at the Japanese market but left without it in your bag and got so frustrated trying to explain it to the cashier who spoke no English that you finally gave up and just ate the cost. Happy trails!

My Original Answer for “Types of Homes and Home Furnishings”

Craftsman bungalow; mid-century modern beach house; turn of the century farm house. Something stylish and with character but simple, airy, fostering quietude. Mid-century furniture with comfortable touches: Plush couch, feather pillows. Global flair. Prints, textiles, art. A home that is sophisticated but warm, that makes my guests feel loved, that tells a story about my life. No cookie-cutter McMansion in a housing development. No vertical blinds. No complete bedroom sets bought from a furniture store. Nothing impractical that can’t withstand wine being spilled on it.

My Day-After Response

First of all, you’re writing this from an IKEA couch, so get over yourself. Second, unless you are Robert Frost you do not have permission to use “quietude” in a sentence. I love that you don’t want anything cookie-cutter and yet what you’ve described could be torn from the pages of any given Anthropologie catalog. Also, you know what would best tell the story of your life? THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE. Maybe stop giving your writing away on Blogger and go get published, ya think?

Ugh. Don’t you just hate people like me?! The list goes on but I’ll spare you further ego-babble. Besides, I’ve gotta wrap this up. I have to go to yoga so I can center myself before walking my rescue dog to the farmers market to pick up organic free-trade coffee and slices of handmade lavender soap.*

Seriously, though, I can’t be the only person with an obnoxious dreamer living inside my head. We all have this weird duality, right? One side of the brain that idealizes itself and the other side that tears it down? Tell me I’m not crazy and that you experience it too… How does the snob inside of you see yourself?

*Ok no but really that’s my typical Sunday. How can something so delightful look so gross in print?!