The Book of Questions

I was rummaging through some holiday decorations over the weekend and found The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock, PH.D. I remember buying this years ago on a whim, thinking it would be fun at parties but I guess I don’t have parties (or my parties are so fun they don’t need help from a book?) because this thing has never been cracked. Until now! 

Okay, maybe my expectations are way off base but aren't these books usually pretty innocuous? Don't they generally only exist to make you contemplate "What would you do if you found one million dollars in an abandoned shopping cart?" while your friend takes too long in the Barnes and Noble restroom? Not this creepy, hairy mole of a book. It's unclear what Dr. Gregory’s credentials are but based on the first twenty pages, I’m guessing he falls just right of the questionable pediatrician I went to during junior high whose answer to any ailment was to have me take my shirt off so he could “listen to” my braless chest and just left of the maniacal abortion doctors showcased at fundamentalist Hell Houses. Take Question #11, for example: 

“You’re given the power to kill people, simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the words 'good-bye'. People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. Are there any situations in which you would use this power?” 

What the WHAT?! I’ve read this a couple times now and I think the detailed procedure he created is the most disturbing. For the average person, a healthy curiosity (and a couple of Sazeracs) might make you wonder out loud, “Hey, can you imagine having the power to kill someone with your mind? Ethically, that would be bananas!” Not Dr. Gregory. He has fleshed this out and planted a neat little script for us so that now I can’t stop thinking of people in my life and saying “good-bye” over and over. I may very well have just eliminated my entire immediate family, two of my friends and Rueben, the smiley cleaning guy at my office who is (used to be??) helping me with my Spanish. It is of no comfort that they died of natural causes, by the way. Drowning is technically a natural death. Also, I feel like he’s trying to mask the crazy by using subtle wording in that final question, “Are there any situations in which you would use this power?” Um, you’re asking me if I would kill people. Don’t get coy with me, Dr. Gregory. You want me to tell you all my killing fantasies and you want to tape them and dance to them the dank, leaky basement where you keep your severed head collection. 

That said, I would totally use it. I would use it for the guy in rush hour traffic who doesn’t let me merge in front of him and then later cuts me off when he needs to get over at the last minute. I would also use it for anyone who talks during movies and bicyclists who bike on the sidewalk. 

Good-bye, good-bye!