I just spent an hour browsing
online for the perfect hike-appropriate dog harness (brown but not boyish) and then served my dog organic bison
kibble with chopped hard-boiled egg and a drizzle of olive oil. This is all very
routine. Because I’m casually obsessed with my dog.
I say “casually”
because I’m not, like, psychotic-level obsessed, where I speak about Chicken
and me as a unit (“Belly rubs are OUR FAVORITE!”) or bring her on dates with me
(“Love me, love my dog!”) but I recognize that I’m teetering on the edge when I
admit that the only thing standing between me and this
purchase is that fact that it’s not available in her size.
So I’m a teensy bit obsessed. But
in my defense, she’s very obsess-able. She’s a plump little nugget of spunk and
glee and love and it’s impossible not to melt in the presence of something so
utterly delighted by life. I tell everyone it’s like living with a Disney
character: She’s just so extremely happy (she doesn’t just wag her tail, she
wiggles and spins), so extremely playful (she doesn’t just fetch a bone, she stalks
it and assigns it a villainous intent) and so extremely affectionate (she
doesn’t just lay in your lap, she burrows into your arm and sighs). You can
almost hear the orchestra swell behind an adorably nasal “Let’s go EXPLORING!”
as she scampers up a mountain path, twirling back occasionally to make sure
you’re keeping up. It’s not just
me; Everyone who meets her is charmed. She’s even become a popular coping
mechanism when someone in my life is having a bad day. “I need some Chicken
Therapy,” my friends will say and they are promptly delivered 6 pounds of
ecstatic cuddling.
Of course, that doesn’t excuse my
behavior, and I admit that I’m walking a very fine line when I, for example, buy
her agility classes (mastering the obstacle course is good for her
self-esteem!) or massage circles down her spine while we watch TV (a vet on You
Tube said it’s important for joint health!) but I know I’m not alone. So for
everyone out there who is wondering if they’ve stepped into Crazy Dog Owner territory,
here are some warning signs I’ve identified:
You Might Be Obsessed with Your Dog If…
1.
… Your dog has a beauty regimen.
Here’s is a list of the grooming products I own for a
6lb short-haired Chihuahua:
- Pet Naturals all natural, bio-degradable, pH balanced, plumeria-scented 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner with silk proteins for added sheen
- Earthbath all natural, bio-degradable, cruelty-free eye wipes for cleaning tear stains
- Earthbath all natural, bio-degradable, cruelty-free ear wipes for removing dirt and crust
- Earthbath all natural, bio-degradable, cruelty-free hypo-allergenic grooming wipes infused with anti-oxidant green tea leaf extract for refreshing coat and skin between weekly baths
- A stainless steel FURminator de-shedding tool for gently removing loose hair and reducing shedding by 90%
- Canine Calm soothing blend of essential oils to be misted under stressful circumstances (ie: getting her nails clipped)
I want you to know that I know that this is overkill.
All of this would be achieved in the wild by rolling in leaves and clawing a
tree. But my dog is not in the wild, she is in Los Angeles and so she is
lathered with organic plumeria essence. I won’t apologize! It smells amazing.
2.
… You sing to your dog
Today I sang a
song to Chicken for no other reason than to express that I think she’s adorable.
It’s a plucky little tune called “The Pretty Cute Song” and I know it by heart
because I made it up three years ago and sing it to her almost daily. Just one
bar of it topples her into a trance, tipping her on her side to revel in
full-body scratching. I understand that to an outsider this could look deranged but I see nothing wrong with it. In fact, not only do I not
see anything wrong with it, I see pure dollar signs as I mull over the
marketability of compiling this with “The Car-Ride Song” and “The Breakfast
Song” to complete an EP that would positively kill at specialty dog boutiques.
We’ll see how much you roll your eyes when I buy a house off of “Let’s Go On a
Walk”.
3.
… You alter your productivity to accommodate your
dog’s comfort
Have you ever denied yourself a trip to the gym
because your arms are pinned numbly under your dog as she snores contentedly on
your lap? Have you ever thought, “It’s OK, I’m sure I can reschedule that
conference call…” because your phone is across the room but your dog is curled
in The Cutest Position Ever with his head resting precariously on your tilted
wrist-bone and you just can’t bear to disturb his slumber? Well then you might need
to reevaluate things. Not that you’ll find any judgment here. For the record, I
am barely typing this with one hand because Chicken’s dozing head is
lolling heavily on my right forearm and if I shift it will ruin her nap.
4.
… You prioritize your dog’s preferences over
your own
Similarly to
#3, I recently drove in 100 degree heat with the windows rolled down, sweating
furiously but resolved not to turn the air conditioning on because Chicken,
suspended above the passenger seat in her doggie
skybox, was enjoying the wind on her face and I didn’t want to spoil it for
her. While on this drive, the following three thoughts crossed my mind:
“I should take a detour down Sunset so she
can watch the Jiffy Lube mechanics...”
“It’s probably too hot for (the neighbor)’s
yard turtle to be out… I’ll walk her a different way just in case so she’s not
disappointed…”
“I wonder if (her doggy friend) is available
for a hike on Wednesday? Oh, wait, I’m not available for a hike on Wednesday…
Well, maybe I can work something out so they can see each other…”
OK so maybe I
go out of my way to indulge my dog from time to time. What’s the harm? It’s not
like I’m pre-chewing her food or anything. These little adjustments barely
affect my day. Giving up my favorite fuzzy blanket when we watch TV, now that affects my day and I will assert myself more on that… just as
soon as she stops looking at me with her ASPCA eyes and adorably making a cave
out of it.
Do any of these apply to you?
There’s no shame if they do; I’m just trying to create a little self-awareness
before you wake up one day and realize that you have a standing appointment
with Patrice Ryan. Now if you’ll
excuse me, I have to go take Chicken to pick out her Halloween costume!
