Unsolicited Advice on Getting Over a Cold

Today I'm finally getting over a cold -  And thank goodness because I can't be sick this week. First of all, it is summertime and simply aesthetically inappropriate to be bundled up on the couch sipping hot tea with the lights out while my neighbors grill by the pool. Second, I have tickets to Yankees-Dodgers tomorrow night, a phenomenon that only comes around every few years and must marked by drinking too much beer and making up chants that rhyme with "Mattingly". So, yeah. Cannot be sick.

Lucky for me I am expert at this. Having three years experience of being uninsured with no company sick time, I have mastered the art of holistic healing and, since colds are going around lately (and are pretty much always going around all the time), you yourself may very well be under the weather right now and could benefit from the following wisdom.

  

Heidi's 12 Completely Unsubstantiated Rules for Kicking a Cold: 

Before you even begin, you have to engage in positive self-talk because it promotes healing. No stomping around and moaning, "But I have a date tomorrow! No one wants to have a cocktail with a sweaty phlegm-monster!" Instead, focus on the benefits. Like how fever gives your cheeks a perfect flush and how delicious your cooking is when you're too congested to taste anything. Once you've established this, start taking the following steps...

1. As soon as you sense something cold-ish coming on, stay home from work. I know it makes you feel like a hero to push through your discomfort but everyone around you hates you. The ones with small children double-hate you. Stay home.
2. Turn off your phone. We both know you don't want to talk to anyone. And anyway, you're sick and not making much sense so you're of no help to anyone who calls you needing something. Also, this keeps you from going on Instagram and lamenting all the cool stuff that other healthy people are doing.
3. Take a shower. This also helps with the positivity thing. You'll feel less like a funky-smelling germball and being clean and warm will help you sleep. I cannot cite any sources for that but the data is out there somewhere. Probably something about your brain and circadian rhythms and associations with childhood pre-bedtime baths. Whatever. It's science.
4. Put on sweatpants. This is exactly the occasion that sweatpants were created for. Really, it's the only occasion that sweatpants were created for but you don't feel well so I'm not gonna harp on your personal style. Sweatpants are instantly comforting and since your body is fragile and you have the added stress of either living alone and taking care of yourself or being shunned by family/ roommates who don't want you to breathe on them, you deserve as much physical TLC as possible. Clean, though. Dirty sweatpants are a classic nod to unemployment and basically the opposite of comforting.
5. Sleep. Logical progression, duh. Should be obvious but you're sick so your linear thinking is off, I get it.  Also, if you have a dog, use him/her as a heating pad or body pillow to ease any muscle aches. If you have a cat... ha! Yeah, right. Your cat is gonna lay wherever it damn well wants to, and likely on your head, even though you have a debilitating headache. Just be grateful it's cuddling with you, idiot human.  
6. Drink citrus-y stuff. All day long. Don't ever stop drinking. Also, Sprite is not citrus.
7. Take 2 spoonfuls of this  weird stuff . It's gross and it works. You're welcome.
8. Watch Dumb and Dumber. Laughter is the best medicine and whatnot. THERE ARE NO SUBSTITUTES. Except maybe episodes of 30 Rock, Seasons 1-3.
9. Eat a steak. A guy I know who used to live in Japan told me it's a cultural thing there to eat a giant steak when you don't feel well so I totally do this. Roll your eyes but my Honda will go 400,000 miles if I take care of it. These people know what they're talking about.  
10. Take a shot of brandy. This ancient healing method is passed down from my grandmother, who maintains that it will "Cure what ails ya!". Some may question whether this borders on dysfunction but it definitely doesn't because grandmothers are naturally right about everything. 
11. There's nothing inherently medicinal about this but if you have a sore throat (and even if you don't) eat ice cream. Dairy is bad for colds (Again, no specifics but, science) so some people may suggest Popsicles but that's laaaaaame. I recommend Trader Joe's Chocolate Coconut Milk Ice Cream. It's scrumptious and be warned that if you buy it from my local store and they run out I will cut you.  
12. Drink more. I'm not kidding. Rule #6. And sleep. Why aren't you sleeping? 

And that's the recipe, folks. Foolproof. If you follow these rules, I guarantee that you will feel better in 3-4 days, which is likely the same amount of time it would take you to feel better if you didn't follow these rules but I dare you to prove it. Happy healing!

The Book of Questions: Don't Look Back, Say Yes to Drugs

Friends! I'm back! I've missed you. It's been a rough little sabbatical. I've had 4 writing projects in the works and apparently that's three too many because my brain went on lock-down recently and I have had the worst writer's block... so bad that I dreamt last night that I had a term paper due for work (??) and it had to be 3 pages long on any topic I wanted and I could not think of a single thing to write about and I was bawling and wailing "Why can't I think of anything?! It only has to be THREE PAGES!!" A topic would occur to me and I would sit for a moment and try to write about it but nothing would come so I just continued pacing and brainstorming and crying for the entire dream. 

Obviously, I'm due for an intervention. And who better to step in and cure my writer's block than our deranged old pal who wears the same shirt everyday and stands a little too close, Gregory Stock, PH.D, author of the oddly provoking Book of Questions! I have prepared two for today and already these are getting the creative juices flowing so hopefully this will dam the stress dreams for tonight. 

#127 If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 

God it is just soooo like a therapist to prompt you to rewrite history!*

I'm not a fan of this question. I don't think it's healthy to wish to change your past, obvious exceptions being if your entire family was murdered In Cold Blood- style or if you are any of the characters in The Wire. It seems to me that no one's life is perfect but you play the cards you're dealt with positivity and determination and hope and in time that shapes you into a strong yet modest individual who's known for chiming in with good zingers around the dinner table. 

My family's generally pretty happy and I really enjoyed my childhood so I guess if I had to change something, I would have my parents win Powerball so they never had to work and we could be independently wealthy and just chill out and go to Disney World once a month? But then I probably would have grown up to be an insufferable brat who's never had a real job and delights in trashing hotel rooms, so maybe I take that back. 

I suppose it would have been cool to be groomed from a young age at a famous performing arts school where you sing all day and Intro to Choreography is considered a math credit. I would've basically gotten a diploma for doing all the things I did in my spare time anyway, which is more or less the American Dream. But then I probably would have grown up to be a socially inept bore who takes karaoke too seriously and references "Jan" in stories like you're supposed to know who Jan is, so I take that one back, too. 

I guess in the end the only thing I would change is I would give myself a horse. I always wanted one so I'm choosing to indulge myself and, besides, it would have reinforced core values like caring for something outside of myself and the importance of a disciplined routine not to mention how it might have animated one of life's most triumphant metaphors if I ever fell. Really the only drawback is that when I left for college my parents would have been stuck with a pet that cost them thousands of dollars annually in food, lodging and maintenance whereas in reality they were just stuck with my cat, who cost about $5 a week in canned giblets and in fact contributed to the household by trapping mice. So I guess everything works out for the best. Which just brings me back to my original instinct, not to mourn the past. You lose, Dr. Stock!

#81 If you were to discover your closest friend was a heroin dealer, what would you do? 

Alright, we all know the answer Dr. Stock is angling for so for his benefit here goes: I would be outraged! I would be scandalized! I would collapse right there on the corner of Main Street and Huckleberry Lane and the green grocer would revive me with smelling salts while the paper boy runs to get the doctor. When I regain my senses, I would report my friend to the authorities and he'd be hauled off to jail in the back of a paddy wagon, gripping the bars with tears streaming down his face as I'm given a key to the city for helping to keep our streets drug-free for future generations.

In all seriousness, my friends would never secretly deal heroin. They would tell me about it and offer to get me on board because they are thoughtful and generous individuals who have my best interest at heart. What better side job for an artist than dealing drugs? Flexible hours, wads of untaxed income, and it doesn't require any brain power that distracts from your craft. Also, as an actor, I'm a natural salesperson. Confident. Self-motivated. Results-driven. I would be an asset to the company, really. In fact, when I was fresh out of Peace Corps and flat broke, a friend of mine gave me a lead on a pharmaceutical sales job and my Dad begged me to take it for a year just to bank some money and then do whatever I want. I didn't do it, I took a teaching job for $19K a year instead so this would basically be my chance to make it up to him. Let's face it, it's the same general idea except better because I wouldn't have to go door to door with a rolling suitcase like I'm peddling encyclopedias. Also, I have no desire to do heroin so there's no threat of me consuming all the product and then having to go on the lam when it's time to pay my supplier. The more I think about this, the more I really feel like I'm a good fit. Drug lords, hit me up on LinkedIn!  

And there you have it, Friends. How would you answer Gregory Stock, PH.D?

*Kidding. I love therapy! If I had insurance I would go all the time. Until then, I rely on fortune cookies.